My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
