I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
