Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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