The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
