i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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