I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize