id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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