In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drake has all the answers
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
