Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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