imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
