Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
