Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
