She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
