my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
