My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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