the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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