Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
