Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
