Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
