I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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