As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
