At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
