It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
