I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
