How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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