ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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