Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
