Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
