Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
