Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
