i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
