Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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