Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
