I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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