Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
