My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
