Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
