you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
tell me about the eggs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
