drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
