Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
