You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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