waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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