He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize