Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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