I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
