I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
