There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
