i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
