mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
