how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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