listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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