Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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