Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
sex in a hospital.. check
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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