I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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