wrigley field is MILF paradise
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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