somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
