when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
